You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize