he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
