Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
