Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
