I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
