so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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