She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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