I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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