I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
