How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
