i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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