So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're too hungover to prance.
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