Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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