Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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