I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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