Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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