Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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