We won't sleep together?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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