he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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