Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
