Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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