Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
