I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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