Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
