Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
