He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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