If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
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Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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