You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
