What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
