She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
