its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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