walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
