I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
