I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
PANTIES FOUND
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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