We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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