Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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