don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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