mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
