I feel great
I just peed on a car
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
