Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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