Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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