I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
