Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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