We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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