i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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