she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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