I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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