remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
