yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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