I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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