Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
