Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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