i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
