i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
