im six kinds of drunk right now
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
