Only a mothe r could love this liver
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
